Periodically I have to remind myself why I started this blog. It was a way to document Rooney's achievements but it was also supposed to be a way for me to document my feelings. I droned on plenty when I was pregnant about how I felt about things but once Rooney was born the focus shifted to photos and keeping family abreast of his changes and milestones. Then last night I had a little mini breakdown so I thought I should write about it.
Rooney has taken to being rocked to sleep these days. It used to be that we could just put him down with his pacifier and he would fall right to sleep. Sometimes it's inconvenient but I don't really mind because we get to spend uninterrupted, quiet time together. Last night I was rocking him, the room was dark and we were just cooing to each other. Rooney was smiling at me and pulling on my lip while he was talking. We laughed a little and it was a very nice moment. I don't know if these moments are so precious that they scare me or why my mind just can't accept how nice my life is right now, but sometimes I will start having panic attacks about Rooney growing up or one day not being with him (or Mike). Thankfully this past evening my attack wasn't so grim but I did think about Rooney growing up and I realized that I was on very limited time with these types of moments.
I realized Rooney is not going to want to cuddle his mother past the age of 10 for sure. I won't be allowed to kiss him in public, he will always think I am old and he'll ask me to drop him off a block before school. At some point he is going to think he knows more about fashion than I do and want to dress himself (and just because both pieces are red doesn't mean they should be worn together), he is not going to want to hang out with me and at some point he will probably tell me that he hates me (I know he will at least think it). He and his friends will think I am uncool, my taste in music will be lame and god forbid we go to a movie together. How often will he call me when he's moved out and will he want to come by for a visit? For Mike it will be easier. All he has to worry about is if Rooney will like his choice in video games. As long as Rooney likes sports, techy stuff and/or math they will find plenty of stuff to bond over. Since Mike doesn't really chat much any "uncomfortable silence" won't really be considered "uncomfortable".
Will Rooney remember how I held him and rocked him to sleep? Will he remember how we cooed to each to other and how he used to smile when I entered the room? Probably not and but now I have a new reason to keep this blog.
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